I mentioned earlier that a haiku is much more than 5-7-5 syllables. The heart of a haiku should capture a single moment. That said, clever as it is, Anna’s poem really isn’t a haiku. Yes, it has the right number of lines and syllables, but it’s not a Kodak moment! Second, Anna uses two “to be” words (is and are).

Instead of making it “informational,” Anna should try to put the Wookiee in a particular mood. Will he be thoughtful? Frustrated? Helpful? Here’s one idea:

Tall, furry Wookiee
weeps into his cooking pot
the bantha has burned.

Have fun!

I’d choose a few from each line

Slippers, overalls
happy girl with tangled hair
Anna fills my heart.

Aw! And reading these brings tears to my eyes! Yep, you’ve got Anna there!
Now she wants know if she did hers (the Wookie) right? LOL! It never ends!

Even though your haiku veers from the traditional nature theme, I think it’s a fun topic. I love how you clearly delight in Anna! You also get good marks for using concrete words in the first two lines. Now here’s where a bit of editing will help:

1. Line 1 has six syllables rather than five: tan/gled /hair/ hap/py /smile (you can tap out each syllable, tan-gled-hair-hap-py-smile). Try finding a one-syllable word to replace one of the two-syllable words. Example: Tangled hair, broad smile or Tangled hair, bright eyes
2. Line 2 has eight syllables rather than seven: o/ver/alls /tur/tle/neck /slip/pers. Again, one of these words needs to be replaced with a word of fewer syllables. Example: turtleneck, jeans, and slippers or overalls, sweater, slippers.
3. Line 3 contains a “to be” word (is) and a weak word (cute). You could try something like: Anna makes me smile or Anna fills my heart.

Here’s one option for a revision:

Tangled hair, bright eyes
overalls, sweater, slippers
Anna makes me smile.

Haiku needs to create a snapshot—an “in the moment” picture. The next two examples run with your original ideas but create a more “haiku-ish” feeling. (Notice how reordering the first two lines and using prepositional phrases can help too.)

In jeans and slippers
happy girl with tangled hair
Anna fills my heart.

Slippers, overalls
happy child with tangled hair
Anna makes me smile.

There you go! Does that help? Remember that writing haiku takes practice. It’s all about creating a mood, picking strong, vivid words, and counting out your syllables. Hope you’ll try again, Amy.

-Sharra B.